Sunday, March 19, 2006

Faded.

I have the ugly feeling that my life is fading more into misery as time goes. During the end of the last year I thought that there was an improvement (At least I kept being optimistic). Now I am just feeling like an idiot. The truth is that nothing goes better or worse though. Everything is static. In most aspects, everything is the same lame, except from the fact that some of the good things have faded away. What changes is my psychology. My soul is tired as time goes on and nothing really seems to have changed..

The miserable things are still there, mediocrity all over the place (Perhaps there is something worse than being either cool, great or extremely lame. And that's feeling like being in the middle of nothing). Most of the good things have faded away. If they were really good, ever. And that's a repetition of lameness, a bad image of myself that I tried to avoid lately and only accept that it's just me. But for how long?!

Some of the good things that faded away are reflected on my past scene life. Not that it was greater then, but at least I was more motivated with it. One example is my scene enthousiasm reflected on emails. There was a time I was living with that! I remember that I was communicating with a lot of sceners and being very enthousiastic writting about my future scene plans and discussing about the demoscene or other things. I remember the people I was once communicating with, even those female sceners who doesn't reply back anymore ;). I remember that I had very frequent contact with specific people for months or years. But everything suddenly stopped!!!

Maybe it's just because people doesn't like me anymore. Or maybe they are afraid to get in contact with the stupid Poueter. But maybe it's because during the old times, it was me who was enthousiastic and started contacting first. It was me who had found some great demos from people and was motivated to send first an email telling them how cool they are! And then the communication went further on and I was happier receiving these emails and planning for my scene future. I remember that when I was sending an email back in the times, I also sent that one to myself, to read it later and try to imagine how it would feel like to the other person reading it! Crazy? I never do this anymore (except for the very important emails?). Reasons? 1) Afraid to loose my time in that needless activity, 2) I lost the motivation I had with emails.

Generally, I think that 1) I have no motivation anymore, 2) I am afraid to have motivation for the scene. That's because I tend to remember my past, the enthousiastic acts in the demoscene that turned out to be preety lame. It's like someone tells me that I have to avoid some thoughtless acts and that's fine, but then this thought goes on further and demotivates some of my activities in the demoscene. I am afraid to act in certain ways or even afraid that's not the way I should spend my time, while there are other things to take care that remain static. Though, I think that I betray myself this way. As I did while I let myself believe some political correct "get a life" ideals. Even though there is a part of truth there too. How come can I continue doing demos when I am anxious while I am still living in my parents home who are constantly telling me to stop demomaking and finish my studies instead? So, somehow I have to move with that thing first (studies and army left?) and then reconsider my scene life again. For now, I just have to improve my psychology. I am seeing reflections of my lame self again and being annoyed by that. Sometimes I feel like I am more stupid than ever. I should just do my thing for now and try to not let myself get down..

p.s. I've just finished my 2nd CPC demo for Forever competitions and having the same feeling about that too. Ok, harsh work done in a very limited time (but I couldn't be motivated to dedicate more days and I was also very anxious about release my old effects), so it turned out to be more of an ugly preview than a real demo. It left me with a strange feeling at the end. Like: Demomaking is not for me, it needs a lot of struggle or I am not in a good psychological condition to work on something decent and enjoy it. Deja vu! Yet another demoplan for which I became a scene slave of myself and still it turned out lame. The same anxiety and unsatisfaction like in the past. A mirror of another unreached dream. Yet another unfinished and ugly shit from a disappointed Optimus..

After this demo I made the above thoughts that you are just reading. Then I relaxed by playing computer games (How productive ;P).

8 comments:

chris said...

Εγώ ξέρω ότι η επίτευξη ενός στόχου ισοδυναμεί με πολλούς ημιτελείς. Δεν ξέρω κανένα που να πέτυχε κάτι χωρίς να φάει τα μούτρα του (όχι μία και δύο αλλά πολλές φορές). Επιπλέον, έχω όλο και περισσότερο την υποψία ότι ό,τι κάνουμε γίνεται- σε μεγάλο ποσοστό- κατ'επίφαση. Νομίζω ότι η Ιθάκη του Καβάφη είναι πολύ κοντά σε αυτό που θέλω να πω. Βεβαίως, πιστεύω επίσης πως ό,τι κάνουμε (τουλάχιστον όπου καταθέτουμε τη ψυχή μας) πρέπει να βρίσκει κάποιο αντίκρισμα. Ο μόνος τρόπος είναι να δει κανείς- εκ των υστέρων- τη χρησιμότητα ή τις εφαρμογές αυτού που έχει κάνει.

Stormrider said...

από ότι κατάλαβα δεν σου λείπουν ούτε καλλιέργεια ούτε ενδιαφέροντα ούτε στόχοι. ρίξτο λίγο έξω, "χρειάζεσαι διακοπές", μείωσε λίγο τον χρονικό ορίζοντα που σχεδιάζεις, σκέψου λίγο βραχυπρόθεσμα, γίνε λίγο βλάκας (πίστεψε με βοηθάει!!!)

Pixie said...

Ισως απλά να περιμένεις πολυ καιρο να έρθουν πραγματα όμορφα.Ισως να ειρθε η ώρα για δράση, να φτιάξεις τα ονειρά σου.Το παρελθόν ειναι το παρελθόν μην το σκέφτεσαι τοσο γιατι χάνεισ το τώρα.Προσπάθησε και ας αποτύχει. And smile

Anastasia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anastasia said...

Life is life. Sometimes you can change it sometimes you have to live with it. There are aspects you like and others you hate. You wish you could change some, and yet again you cannot. Still you have a life of your own, and you can do much with it. You may not be able to do everything you want, but you can certainly do something. I understand the frustration; in fact I think frustration is good in this case because it is a testimony that you recognize something ain't working. So, and this is the sum up of all, turn the frustration into action. Find something that you are passionate about and pursue it. Only then will you be truly happy. Μην εισαι θεατης της ζωης σου, γινε ο σκηνοθετης.

Optimus said...

Thank you all for your comments. Each of them hides a truth, a possible solution to my problem, things I have heard or thought in the past and maybe tried for a while. All of them have their permanent results, but then again I am still sitting there and wondering what to do next. There are days I think I've found the solution and just simply feel better and then there are times I put myself down again.

Stormrider's suggestion is one thing and I use to have my 1+ week sessions where I either stay at home spending my time on playing computer games (or reading blogs :) or better going out and meeting friends (which helps a bit more to relax). But then the urge is coming back again. After a week I feel like I have to be creative or reach a goal again. Nevertheless, it's a nice trip to just forget for one or two weeks and do the things that you normally missed and never found time for them, because you were focused on your goal all day. Till you start again from scratch and the vicious cycle repeats..

And yet what I am doing mostly is thinking about my goals, my mistakes, trying to actually discover the motivations behind my focus, and discover if I am doing something wrong somewhere, if I should search for a slightly diferrent path (yet not too far from my walking path). It's somehow what chris and anastasia tries to say. I believe that I have gone through all this frustration just to redefine my path and choose a better way that fits my personality more. It's just walking and learning, stumbling onto frustrations of the past and using the knowledge of my mistakes to alter my walk of life to the better. It's what we are always doing from our birth till the end. And I don't think I am too stupid to understand and evolve based on the knowledge I gathered so far, it's only that the transition to a new path is usually slow because of my old habits that take time to change. It's actually mostly an evolvment of my old path. Some things never change because of my personality. At least I try to keep the good things from it.

And I'd like to finish with pixie. One day i came into the conclusion that perhaps I shouldn't burry some of my dreams because they didn't worked in the past. I decided that I can still reach some of my dreams but by taking it more easy and being patient. I should just wait longer for the good things to come and never loose faith to myself.

I guess I just have to continue walking..

Pixie said...

Every exit is an entry to somewhere else.

Σου εύχομαι το καλύτερο.Το αξίζεις!

ep said...

OMG Mike, when I read each of your words, I constantly now think you're joking. I hope each day that you're making like having a dirty mind abd that you fool us.

However if it's true, then try to use your analysis skills to work out the solution by yourself:

1/ write down "what is going wrong?", answer the question, one point at a time.

2/ write down "how I can change each of this point?", find a reasonable answer for each point.

3/ write down "what are my hindrances to apply the solution found?", answer the question.

Take your time, simply focus on doing this seriously. On the end, you'll probably find out that you can't change everything and that you're not responsible for that fact because you've constraints.

You'll then find out original solutions using your creativity and your technical skills to overcome all your difficulty.

When you'll be OK, and I hope you'll be soon (you'll surely discover that doing things help solving problems wetheir speaking don't but usually create more), we will continue the demo project because you're good and I know how to get the best of you.

++

EP

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