I have the ugly feeling that my life is fading more into misery as time goes. During the end of the last year I thought that there was an improvement (At least I kept being optimistic). Now I am just feeling like an idiot. The truth is that nothing goes better or worse though. Everything is static. In most aspects, everything is the same lame, except from the fact that some of the good things have faded away. What changes is my psychology. My soul is tired as time goes on and nothing really seems to have changed..
The miserable things are still there, mediocrity all over the place (Perhaps there is something worse than being either cool, great or extremely lame. And that's feeling like being in the middle of nothing). Most of the good things have faded away. If they were really good, ever. And that's a repetition of lameness, a bad image of myself that I tried to avoid lately and only accept that it's just me. But for how long?!
Some of the good things that faded away are reflected on my past scene life. Not that it was greater then, but at least I was more motivated with it. One example is my scene enthousiasm reflected on emails. There was a time I was living with that! I remember that I was communicating with a lot of sceners and being very enthousiastic writting about my future scene plans and discussing about the demoscene or other things. I remember the people I was once communicating with, even those female sceners who doesn't reply back anymore ;). I remember that I had very frequent contact with specific people for months or years. But everything suddenly stopped!!!
Maybe it's just because people doesn't like me anymore. Or maybe they are afraid to get in contact with the stupid Poueter. But maybe it's because during the old times, it was me who was enthousiastic and started contacting first. It was me who had found some great demos from people and was motivated to send first an email telling them how cool they are! And then the communication went further on and I was happier receiving these emails and planning for my scene future. I remember that when I was sending an email back in the times, I also sent that one to myself, to read it later and try to imagine how it would feel like to the other person reading it! Crazy? I never do this anymore (except for the very important emails?). Reasons? 1) Afraid to loose my time in that needless activity, 2) I lost the motivation I had with emails.
Generally, I think that 1) I have no motivation anymore, 2) I am afraid to have motivation for the scene. That's because I tend to remember my past, the enthousiastic acts in the demoscene that turned out to be preety lame. It's like someone tells me that I have to avoid some thoughtless acts and that's fine, but then this thought goes on further and demotivates some of my activities in the demoscene. I am afraid to act in certain ways or even afraid that's not the way I should spend my time, while there are other things to take care that remain static. Though, I think that I betray myself this way. As I did while I let myself believe some political correct "get a life" ideals. Even though there is a part of truth there too. How come can I continue doing demos when I am anxious while I am still living in my parents home who are constantly telling me to stop demomaking and finish my studies instead? So, somehow I have to move with that thing first (studies and army left?) and then reconsider my scene life again. For now, I just have to improve my psychology. I am seeing reflections of my lame self again and being annoyed by that. Sometimes I feel like I am more stupid than ever. I should just do my thing for now and try to not let myself get down..
p.s. I've just finished my 2nd CPC demo for Forever competitions and having the same feeling about that too. Ok, harsh work done in a very limited time (but I couldn't be motivated to dedicate more days and I was also very anxious about release my old effects), so it turned out to be more of an ugly preview than a real demo. It left me with a strange feeling at the end. Like: Demomaking is not for me, it needs a lot of struggle or I am not in a good psychological condition to work on something decent and enjoy it. Deja vu! Yet another demoplan for which I became a scene slave of myself and still it turned out lame. The same anxiety and unsatisfaction like in the past. A mirror of another unreached dream. Yet another unfinished and ugly shit from a disappointed Optimus..
After this demo I made the above thoughts that you are just reading. Then I relaxed by playing computer games (How productive ;P).