Monday, February 06, 2006

A lucid mind.

I am listening to some feelingful Sigur Ros songs while trying to formulate my thoughts. The thing that doesn't let me concentrate is my anxiety to finish this text and get back to sleep, also another little fear that I deny to consider serious, really. I don't think I receive the best atmosphere for writting this, at least the song fits preety well. Before that, I was walking for one and a half hour near the seaport of Thessaloniki and there were no people around. That's because the weather was preety cold and snowy. It's so rare to walk through the port alone. And I really enjoyed it, even if someone would think I am crazy to walk near the sea with such a weather!

I am used to go through a specific route for years. The one that goes through the port. It's my most frequent walking path. Well, in the past I used to experiment by walking into unknown places for hours, finding new stuff, getting lost and then trying to rediscover my way back home (Fun!). But the harbor still remains my most walked route ever! Another peculiar habit I have, is to walk alone through this trip while talking to myself. We are talking here about an hour of walking and talking on the air in diferrent styles (and that affects the walking speed and mood sometimes!) like the sad, the lonely, the feelingful, the hopeful, the happy, the nihilistic way, making philosophical (my ass) thoughts, technical stuff (coding and demos :), what happened the day that passed, what are my resolutions for the next days/weeks coming, bitching, hating the world, making fun of myself, being self sarcastic, dreaming, loving, thinking that I am just wasting my energy! 6 years of mental masturbation!!! ;P

I already think that I lost the feeling that made me start writting this text. I may have missed the clue too I guess. Perhaps it's the fact that I am writting too slowly (but I don't won't to hurry up while expressing my feelings) and the music is changing too. During a past lonely walk, I found out in despair that I can't have a stable feeling about the exact same thing. This is too frustrating because some strong feelings/beliefs about myself/life or a strong propulsion to move on in my future plans might help me that day, while the next one I won't feel the same. And usually it just happens some minutes or an hour after. I feel fulfilled through some thoughts, but then that feeling fades away quite soonish, leaving me alone with my disappointment. During that lonely walk, I really wished to reach home so that I write down my random thoughts that sounded so rightful to my ears during the very special moment, though what I wrote later was this: (found in a folder among with a bunch of txts full of thoughts that didn't make it ;P)

"Each day a diferrent mood.
I can't recognize my last texts.
My perception floats around randomly.

Still there must be a primitive match inside me..

..the road that follows me."

And this blog seems to follow the same route. I don't like it. It started through a great motivation inside me, which I lost in the middle, to end up in a bunch of random thoughts going into diferrent subjects that don't inspire me much.

And what was the title about? Perhaps about these special moments where my thoughts seem to be so clear (whose feeling may fade away a little later as I said ;P). I really love this state of mind! I had enough of this today. At least, I can meditate on the moment when I felt this and believe that even if I lost the feeling, it was something true for a tiny moment. I believe that even if I've lost it, all these thoughts are positively modulating my personality slowly and quietly enough. I had a lucid brainstorm about important things for me, like my anxiety about girls, my unsuccessful life and other confusing matters and my thoughts and feels seemed to flow so nicely for a long time! And it seems that lately I am generally more determined along these subjects. Now matter if people disagree, I more truly believe that I was right. But these conclude in points that will be revealed slightly soon in a little text project I have in mind, currently entitled as "Little manifest on life". I feel I am more ready and sure for that now..

Let's hope these sparks of mind cleaness will be more frequent as long as life goes here. I bet they will, for I also change my overall view on life in a way that is more healthy to me. The feeling is like starting to be more honest to myself..

..and that is due to the road that follows me.


p.s. What a weird blog? My previous one about studying is perhaps my nicest and more to the point text since a long (and I don't feel indifferent to it like with my faded thoughts :). Though, I may be biased here and there, to blame that universities have nothing to do with knowledge. They do for the one who seeks it there! But like god and the church, why should it be the only place to satisfy your thirst for knowledge? Knowledge is everywhere! Though, I was rethinking of what I wrote. And well, I am only talking about the greek universities here, perhaps some foreign ones may motivate you and help you more to get a grip on studies. Though, I think that still, the lifestyle is not for me. With some word definitions I recently found, I think I am much more a geek than a nerd (even if okcupid lies ;). Well,. geeks can't really stand studying, that's stuff for nerds ;). I feel better by being aware of this and my place here.

It's nice to know who you really are and what you really seek. I still thrive to learn this. It's always changing :(

2 comments:

vryl said...

Please don't stop this blog :(

(to diabazw me para poly endiaferon, den eisai o monos
pou ton aposxoloun auta pouy grafeis, kai den eisai o monos pou kanei monaxikes boltes opws tis perigrafeis)

Optimus said...

Thanks!

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