My exams start in 2 weeks. Each semester, I keep asking myself the same thing. What am I doing here?
I really wonder how is it possible that I am truly a hard working geek concerning my programming/demoscene hobby in contradiction to my image as a student. No matter if I am studying math (which has something to do with computers, but only occasionally), I believe that even if my subject was informatics there would be still some struggle. I think I can easilly claim the answers to this paradox but still it makes me wonder about several things.
Actually, I find the motives behind studying preety much hard to grasp. I just have to spend my time reading some stuff and solving the same exercises again and again with the main focus to pass the exams. There is no thrive for knowledge, to really know your thing, except from gaining success as a student. I just see the people around me. Everyone is talking about his/her lessons in the way of the student, not that of a geek. I haven't met a single person in university who seems to treat his lessons like the way I do it with code.
That's the way people go nowadays except me. But why can't I push myself by studying for knowledge instead? I'd say that's because time is pushing me to read those books and solve these exercises because I have to pass some exams. The motives are distorted. Also, there is a diferrence between studies and doing my own thing. In the demoscene for example, I was into a very specific area of programming that I know and evolve since years. While in the university, I was oblidged to look at 10 entirely diferrent math subjects per year and read as much as possible about them, else I wouldn't have any chance to pass the exams! Other than that, was I seeking knowledge in the demoscene at first? I doubt..
What I've coded, even if lame in comparison to the works of other sceners, would possibly make my professors stare with awe. Though, my life as a student would make them think I don't belong here. "Maths are not for you!", a professor said to me. I told him that I would prefer to had studied computer science instead. "But you need to know maths for that!" he shouted with emphasis! What would his reaction be, if I just showed him some demos of mine?
Perhaps I am not a man of knowledge, because I am a lazy bum. Perhaps I wouldn't be good as a scientist, but just a stupid kid who likes to play with toys (computers). I don't really know my stuff well cause I don't have a diploma to verify that, my mother says (I have to get my diploma and then I'll become succesful at demos too she says :). That's ridiculous to me! Most students are working harder than me, though they don't seem to really care about their subject. Studying in the university library (which is extremely full of people these days ;P) tends to be a trend and a social thing at the same time, a way to push those students to work as robots for a common cause. Could these be people of knowledge? Would all of them become true scientists oneday? Would they handle maths the way I do with code? Or are they here, seeking for a diploma that claims full knowledge? The way of the student..
I fail to affiliate education with knowledge. I know that perhaps I am just the lazy bum who blames universities for nothing, but since my first engagement into democoding I thought I hid a talent or something. I thought universities would help me evolve my creativity into something usefull. I thought my parents would understand and support my engagement into computer programming. I thought society would push those creative minds like me to the right way. Or, I guess it's all about the fact that I can't afford the way of the student. The way to go..
I am about to finish soon and I am afraid that I'll never like to study anymore. Fortunatelly, this won't put down my creative way of life.