Tuesday, November 04, 2014

I have missed this feeling.

That nightly feeling (nightly, does this word exist? Sounds cute though). Getting absorbed into writing thoughts that matter in the darkness of my room (or an internet cafe, lol), while the same depressive music is playing all over again and again (I was strangely listening to some ebm remix of creep).

It flows nicely at the end, you reread what you wrote and the flow seems generally good in your mind (something I miss in many of my harsh written post), saying exactly what you wanted to say with great bitter justice.

Even if it gets big, you end up the night with some feeling of fulfilment. Instead of gaming or coding (I wish I did the second more frequently though), you have expressed some feelings the best way you could, hoping someone might be reading. A person with similar feelings, the same sensitivities, thinking "Wow! Someone said exactly what I was feeling and better than I would. More like this please!". Maybe the idea makes me not to feel alone. Someone else is happy he is like minded. I get the same feeling when I read specific posts.

One of my favorite pieces at Computer Hermit, even if long there are many places which I enjoy rereading. It seems like a subject that could partially also belong to this blog. Having to do with social norms and our misconception of what means to be a geek.

What is a geek? An imagined reality.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Triangle of my life

I just thought about this, even just for fun. I am into gaming cycle for weeks maybe (especially with Borderlands the Pre-Sequel and maybe a little bit of Legend of Grimrock 2). I do, everyday, want to return back to other things, either creative stuff or taking care of other parts of my life.

So, I thought of a triangle. Each corner has one period of activity.
- Gaming
- Creative (programming for me)
- Personal Development (from reading books or infos on psychology or philosophical things or forums to do some other stuff like trying yet another time a diet or going to gym or finding a new activity)

I am in my gaming cycle and I hope to start the creative cycle soon. Afterall there are some incoming demoparties, one which I will visit, and I want to make some little things if possible. I don't know if I will escape the gaming cycle soon, but last time I was so much fed up that I wanted to make something more creative in my computer. It's natural, no matter the amazing 3d worlds and crazy fun you can have in these games, you feel empty after a while. But then I might get burned by creative stuff, like trying to reach a deadline for a demo instead of enjoying it, I might see the results and be happy I released something at a demoparty or pouet or whatever, and then I get into recollection of thoughts, like ok I did it, but what next? What am I doing with my life? Am I still bothered by some facts about me? Maybe it's time to explore myself again? And then after being fed up of not finding answers, I get back into the gaming cycle again, like disregarding everything else.

It's cool how one completes the other. Not sure though it always goes like this. Just a funny scheme (I am too lazy or too bad at drawing it). In fact, today I feel very existential, like jumping from gaming cycle to wondering about things in my life. That's why I also feel like writing this blog post. I do have plans for creative cycle though, as ReSeT demoparty is in 3 weeks (making some small CPC entry maybe, but don't expect) and I plan to visit Sillyventure demoparty in December (not even started my AtariXL project though, and I don't even know the machine, and I am too late so really don't expect!). I just have the existential kicks.

Also, each corner of the triangle is connected to both other two. So, effectively you can go from each state to any other, considering there are no rules about going only one way. I am wondering if the opposite makes sense, going from gaming to existential feeling and from there to creative.

p.s. I don't know what to do with this blog. No time or actual motivation to write in the more frequent way I used to do. Life changes. I am not anymore living at home with my parents. I have a job. I have my own home and free leasure time. Maybe I am not as depressed as I used to be. And when I did, I was lost in the night, typing my thoughts alone, being frustrated with everything (I still am though with some things and I do want to write about them but then I prefer to not waste my time). One thought is, maybe I should write small things like this. Small portions of random thoughts.

p.p.s. It's not so small but smallish. Anyway :P

p.p.p.s. I said I am lazy (is that a gene?). But there you have it, lulz

Friday, September 12, 2014

I love the dreadful feeling of deleting stuff

I love it when I make a new stuff. And delete/clean up some stuff. Even though I am not sure whether I want to keep them. Maybe they could still be a monument of something. Maybe I don't want them. In fact a lot of my posts are peculiar and might not fit my current state of mind all the times. But don't worry, I haven't deleted anything from here. What I did was adding that blog "Almost Skeptic" here again. I can't take care of many blog, thinking that I have long to update that, and all that. I might rarely have the mood to write about UFOs and stuff. In fact, lately I write less and less frequently. Different life. I return back from work and enjoy watching educational youtube videos and other stuff. Maybe there is still a little time left for creative activities. And then definitely no mood most of the times for expressing dark feelings and shit. But I do have things to say, even though they are revolving around the same things. I might want to plan a different kind of saying things. Not sure.

So, I actually deleted the "random image thread", doesn't matter much. I could have deleted "plasmafun" or merged it with "computer hermit" but it's better to be separate atm. There are tons of games and demos I would have liked to write about, but there is not even motivation or time (or I am occupied by other things and not feeling like expressing thoughts) for even this blog. Sometimes computer hermit. It's random, big, not well written and who reads it anyway (I know some of you do :).

And then I might be killing some random blogs I opened outside blogspot. Some soup.io and some tumblr and more if I can remember the password. Or just leave them. Why not leave them you'd say? Just a clean up,. copied image in soup.io, no original content.

But that feeling of deleting/cleaning up things. Sometimes dreadfully, thinking maybe I shouldn't. But uplifting, like making a new start. Hoi Hoi Hoi

Friday, August 29, 2014

Excuses against "excuses".

"Don't blame other things to excuse yourself from acting" they said.
"You are just sitting there, doing nothing other than excusing yourself. How do you expect to improve?"
"Whatever you say is just an excuse to avoid dealing with the problem."

Phrases like these are very popular in our culture. They assume something "obvious" with which I disagree. They imply that the accused person is already exerting zero energy to solve his problems and just avoids it by analysing the problem more. While, if he just stopped excusing and acted on the problem, it would be very easily solved. The guy is simply lazy and everyone in his position would solve his problems easily enough. This is so instilled in our culture that we all nod positively when someone is accused, and this really feels to the individual like we condemn him.

So, someone can follow acting on a good habit (starting a diet for example) or just staying there arguing about it. So, we have two roots, the obvious success (A) and the pitiful loser way (B). And I ask you, if it was so easy and obvious, then why would anyone ever want to choose B over A?

An "excuser" is not a person who can simply choose what is best for him but he doesn't out of stubbornness. He is a person who has a hard time with something that is simple and obvious for the rest. The first few times he tries, later he tries more, he gets dissatisfied and stops for a while, then comes again thinking he can succeed now, failing again. During all this process he tries to explain his feelings, because he really has a problem that makes it harder to achieve something that is quite easier for most of the people. The expression of his feelings are marked as excuses.

This can be dangerous. It can be dangerous for the depressed, the obese, the love-shy. It can be dangerous for people who are in numerous other conditions that are alien to me. These people are already feeling bad with some parts of their lives that don't seem to progress and usually they have very low self-esteem. Dismissing their words as excuses without second thoughts is like implying that they are lazy, liars, everyone else is just like them and they just never tried enough. Way to go killing their self-esteem more. Not only they are losers, but they are vile, trying to take advantage of the situation for their own laziness. Even if you don't imply all these accusations by phrasing this common idea, believe me this is how you make most of these people feel.

The mistake we do, is thinking we can easily put ourselves into other people's shoes. We feel that the way we act and feel is around the same way everyone does. As an example, I never liked smoking, I tried many times to taste it, and no matter how much I tried, I never understood how can people even like it so much. From my own perspective, I would be surprised that a smoker has trouble cutting it. If I was as naive as most people, I would be shouting "Come on, this is the easiest thing in the world! Just stop smoking, damn it!!!". I would then consider every one of his replies as excuses. "You are trying to avoid the simple fact, gradually reducing smoking, less addiction. Just do it, step by step! Everything else is adding unnecessary complexity, another excuse just to avoid acting.". But I am not inside his head and his body, I am not really him, I don't know how it feels and how much harder it gets. I am an external observer who maybe for various reasons (ego?) needs to say his uninformed opinion. It seems so obvious to me, when I have never been the person with the problem.

And for me, saying things like "these are just excuses" is an excuse in itself. And excuse against "excuses". And what I imply with this is that you don't really want to understand or help that person, but for other reasons you want to stick in your opinion (which is really the popular opinion), not even considering that maybe this person acts and feels in ways you would never imagine.

But ideas like the above will still remain in the collective of memes spreading around, you'd keep seeing it, and it's even hard for the individual to explain what is wrong with them because the explanation might not be able to catch up with the "common sense", thus you will overanalyse, and that overanalysation have come to really seem like "excuses" to us all. What's best for the sufferers then when they hear the same story around them? Maybe it is to keep the faith that you really try hard and surely you have struggled more than other people and nobody can deny that from you. And secondly, stick to people with similar experiences, with whom you can share mutual understanding.

One could react about the second solution, like it's a very bad suggestion for a depressed person to stick with other depressed persons. He might spit another common obvious opinion, that everyone would instantly think it's correct. This is that "You don't place the sick among the sick." or "the depressed person goes to the depressed because he hears what he likes to hear from them" or even " Opposites attract, so stick the depressed person with happy people instead". If we play by using the word "excuse", for me this is another excuse from the accusers, that the person should stop being depressed, he is lazy and prefers more company with other depressed people than "normal" persons, an excuse they use to belittle and control the sufferer. Really, if your regular environment (family, friends, school, who most of them don't (want to) understand your problem) is tha majority of your encounters, how does this cure your problem, instead of making you more miserable, hearing everyone saying how much you excuse yourself, how easily it would have been to solve your problems, how much a loser you are and just blame others for your problems. Afterall that's how you lost yourself, being born and living for most of your life around people compared to whom you are kinda different and being blamed by the same environment for so long.

My final theory is that there is no perfectly defined normal, no absolutely good or bad, but what happens is that you might be the unlucky to have been born in an era where you differ drastically from the majority around you, in aspects that make things a pain for you and non-affected people easily criticizing you. So, what's best other than trusting your instincts and stick to the persons who understand you? Maybe the better environment will cure your lost self-esteem and help you improve your life in the aspects you want to improve. And even if you don't, you might learn to come in terms in yourself and accept who you are.

We must learn to ignore the tyranny of excuses blaming.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Talking to myself

Well I do. More people than I think might do. People you would never think of. You get the impression nobody endorse it though. Like you are the only one or one of the very rare species doing it.

On the internet you read psychology articles that it's not a bad thing in general to express feelings to oneself. It can even be positive. Except when it's a reciting of negative thoughts and I understand this. Although it's not the act of self talk that is bad here, but the fact that there is a tendency to think negatively of oneself. I do find that when I overdo it, I might increase stress. Or is it that I was already stressed out? Not the act again is responsible but the state you already are. Although maybe.. speaking loud of your thoughts is a way to make them stronger and more passionate. So maybe yes,. if I stopped talking for a while. Yes.. not source of problem, but help to calm down is to pause for a while.

But why we do it? And do all people do it too? I don't know the answer to the second one and sometimes I think many people will only open their mouth when they want to speak to other people. Or, preparing yourself for an interview or speech in front of a mirror (which I hate and never did for a reason, I don't want to see myself in a mirror speaking, it's confusing maybe, a distorter copy of myself).

Based on my feedback feeling, thinking about thinking and why am I thinking, it's obvious at first that I am strongly passionate about specific subjects that I want to talk loudly about them. As I already said, it's like the feeling grows stronger when you try to express it. I think I am more alive when I express frantically what fascinates me (or scares me) than silently thinking about it.

But then I found a more possible answer that matches the above but has more science in it. I was reading about one classical division of the brain in left and right. First you have the fact that left side is more focused on logic and speech. The right side is more abstract/feeling based. But maybe it's not what we think, that a mathematical person uses more of the left side or an artistic person more of the right side. We use both of our sides but another factor is the rate of communication between each of them through a thick pair of neural fibers called the corpus callosum. I was reading of interesting cases of patients whose carpus callosum was severed and got me into thinking about all these and what makes sense to me. Which I know, might be not right and you can correct me, as I am not a neuroscientist and maybe I shouldn't invoke science without knowing in detail. But I will just describe the feeling I have.

I know that in some people this callosum can have thicker connections for faster communication than others. There was this recent news article where they tried to analyze Einstein's brain again and found he had thicker connections than average in most parts of the corpus callosum. Which would make sense to me that in order to have such abstract theories in physics and also being able to express them mathematically, one had to combine well the left and right sides.

In my case, I find out (based on feeling and then analyzing what I feel and how it fits) that whenever I start thinking about it, first it has to feel right. I try to see/discover the whole picture of a problem like I am watching a full map from above. And then I go deeper into it's details trying to still keep the abstract big image in parallel view for comparison. What I feel as a bigger image I also want to make sense of it in logical terms, fitting well with every detail, feeling right both for my right brain and left brain. This urge is so strong that first I have the general feeling of a situation and then I try to analyze why this, that or everything. I need to explain it, to make all fit together. My brain is on fire. And I guess, starting from a feeling from my right side and passing to my left side that is obsessed with making a logical sense of it and also responsible for speech and there you have it, talking out loudly to myself.

One could just rely on logic. You could tell me 1+1=2 because it is, but if for some reason my right side didn't feel this is right then I would revolt and try to explain otherwise. You could also tell me to not think too much because it's not good. Then I should rely only on feelings. Yet, I refuse to conform to unexamined feelings. That's not how my brain works.

I even see how nicely this cooperation of both of my sides works on my programming hobby and job. With pure logic one can still be a programmer. It's only that most of the time he would simply copy what common algorithms are out there and replicate them. We can all do that. But what differentiates one is when he can focus on a problem that has not standard solution and make one of his own. Or when one has to think out of the box to optimize an algorithm with a novel approach that you can't find on books yet. But even several parts of programming (like OOP for example) need a more abstract kind of thought to understand and even evaluate how one should structure his code, what kind of code is more suited, elegant, easy to read or use depending on the problem he wants to solve. A pure logical person would just know a bunch of standard OOP designs and just copy them out of the book because everyone says they are the best overall. I sometimes think that the job of the programmer is that of a novelist and a logician/mathematician at the same time. I keep pondering about structure that makes sense and easiness of use about some of my code besides making them work.

It's not an easy life to be constantly bothered by things where overall feel and logic don't match together. Another reason why some general sayings, common opinions that everyone says (and so it must be true, eh?) bother me. Everything has to fit together. Pure feelingwise a fact seems to be true if 1) Feels right, 2) Everyone repeats it. But if you have a bad feeling about it then your next weapon is logic, trying to explain it. But logic has to be in harmony with your feelings. At least for the human affairs where things are subjective (or multidimensional, where each person is a different dimension). (It would be childish to be a cry baby just because of 1+1=2)

p.s. And speaking about arithmetics that don't fit. It's mindblowing. My logical mind cannot compute this (sum of infinite positive numbers should be positive at least, if not infinite). My abstract thought cannot make an intuitive sense of it (neither the creators of this video). Only little intuition that explains it is that you can't make sense of infinity the way we work with everyday mathematics. Seems legit (gut feeling) because I trust those Numberphile guys and all other sources mentioning the problem, also the history of different mathematicians arriving at the same result and the fact that it's friggin used in String Theory. And then you wonder how they arrived at 11 dimensions :)

Saturday, October 05, 2013

Introvert or not?

Am I an introvert? A shy extrovert? An ambivert? An obnoxious overtalkative person? How can I present myself? Should I even position myself into a strict category? Is it even defined well or makes sense?

In order to avoid placing me in a category but let others understand who I may be, I like to make lists of characteristics that feel strong in me and are relevant by various descriptions of introversion. I'd also like to make a second list of other elements that might cast me out of this view that I am an introvert.

  • I think part of my introversion comes from the fact that I sometimes appear quite shy or am a bit of sensitive or fearful to start conversation. There is also guilt for the times I happen to not have anything to say and feeling like the quiet guy.
  • The new mantra however is that shyness is not introversion, or that you can actually be shy and extroverted. Am I shy and a hiding extroverted instead?
  • I still don't think this. For I don't feel like I am interested in casual conversation just for the sake of socialization. But could I just be hiding this from myself because of my shyness? Could I be an extrovert that has to get out of the closet?
  • The strongest fact about myself and the one I like the most is that I am really interested about ideas and things and I feel like these are the most interesting things in my world. This reflects the way I am socializing which is actually talking excessively about specific subjects and overanalysing whatever rocks my boat. I couldn't care less about the people focused type of socialization which is more casual conversation, shallow instead of deep conversations, a means to an end of just connecting with other people.
  • It's not that I don't want to communicate with other people. But maybe I don't enjoy socialization the way it is meaned to be most of the times. I still enjoy a thorough conversation with people and I spend a lot of time discussing similar interests with close friends.
  • Meanwhile I am a bit conscious of how I communicate with other people and how different it is than most. Sometimes I wonder during my frantic monologue whether I am just killing the casual flow of a conversation because of my passion about specific subjects. Other times anxiety kicks in because someone made a casual joke or small talk and I am always supposed to respond but it doesn't come always out. I could say it revolves between two states, quietness (shyness or nothing to say?) and frantic monologues (obsession with an overflow of ideas that I really want to get out) that don't fit the casual style of conversation.
Things that could make you scream out that I can't be an introvert:
  • The frantic monologues I talk above. I might look quite obnoxious at times. I keep finding myself talking excessively about my favorite subjects with someone who might not be interested at all and wonder if I am making him tired. Some would say that this attitude could actually be quite annoying to a true introvert.
  • Yet, the source of this excessive talking, which is strong focus on ideas instead of people connections, is commonly identified as an introvert trait in many of the descriptions I find on the internet.
  • The most important thing that could outcast me, is that there is a very characteristic definition in the recent introvert craze about energy lost during extroverted activities and replenished while being alone. I cannot relate to this description (if it has not been misinterpreted since it's original depiction (Jungian?)) since I neither feel exhausted or energized whether I am with many people or alone.
  • And what is the type of energy we are talking about here? Physical? Mental? Emotional? It's never properly defined. It's more like a metaphysical term right now. While I cannot identify with this, I am certain that spending time alone is a more preferable state for me than socializing. But I can just survive nicely social situations in terms of restlessness, only drawback is some emotional frustration from not fitting in with the casual type of conversation, worrying whether I am a loner who can't always readily reply to spontaneous casual talk, sometimes getting bored and wanting to go back home or attack the food table at least :)

Decide for yourself. Actually the reason I am doing this is, besides wanting to describe myself in more precise details, sometimes my fear that someone out of this new craze who identifies himself with introversion, could come out and blame me that I am not that thing but rather an attention seeker who takes advantage of the trend and steals the title from people who are the real introverts or something. It's the fear that someone would say I should be ashamed and I shouldn't be identified with this. Although I made my mind with this and just state the facts. It's just that I am seeing this happening recently and it makes me sad that there is such a polemic in a community that should show (and has the capability of showing) more understanding.

Another thing that is very curious is that these are elements not only found within introversion but also in other categorizations I've been reading about in the past, from Asperger's to Hypersensitivity. I don't claim that I can be totally defined by any of these but I can't fail to notice some similarities between all these unique categorizations and the different movements around them on the internet, which is actually the same thing, a realization that you are not alone, a struggle against the feeling of being an outsider, a justification for who you really are. That's why I am quite interested with all these parallel movements of celebrating abnormality on the internet and I am really curious to see where that will leads us.

I would really like to see the whole picture here, to connect the pieces of the puzzle, because I think this is bigger than life, this is about my life struggle and yours and everyone's of being different, blamed by the society, feeling that something is wrong with you and then finally being justified. And this is a story about understanding of who we really are and trying to understand others who are also struggling by this even if they don't exactly fit your definition of what introversion or autism or any other category is supposed to mean. When new ideals evolve into movements, there is always this kind of noise, everyone trying to identify themselves and sometimes getting into quarrels about other people not belonging to the "club". It's kinda sad because we are really all part of the same story, just trying to understand who we really are and get along with ourselves. I am really really curious where all this trend will lead. I will be observing.

p.s. First this video and then this article and the subsequent links flooded my mind with interesting thoughts and made me really furious about sharing them with you (as a shy obnoxious ambivert :)

Saturday, July 06, 2013

Convergence

It's more than three months I started with my new job here in Glasgow. I already imagine how my life will be like in the future. For the moment I have all I want, a good job that provides me with what I was missing, financial support and independence. I am at my rented flat, enjoying my time completely alone and free.

Years ago I was desperate for that thing, that for some is a standard. Living no more with my parents, pursuing an independent life in a new place, not just as a foreign student but with a (more or less) stable job. In the past I was also angry because I couldn't pursue my demoscene hobby in a more free state. I think I've lost this energy or I am less young now, I wonder what would it be if I was at more ease when I started. I wondered if I know have the time, whether I could pursue this with the some passion as when I started. I doubt it.

It is a fourth thought that maybe I could get that back. But it would require a strong focus again, which even if I regain I leave other things back in the most crucial moment of my life. In my new environment I could strive for the things that I've left behind. No time for serious democoding anymore or at least till I fix some other stuff. It could feel weird, like going against pursuing my dreams, or not exact to my personality. But this is a big window of opportunity, finally I can have some more relaxed moments to cure myself from my fears and passions, I can slowly slowly build a better psychology, do the things I couldn't believe I would, give me some self-esteem that I can do that too.

Things like changing my food habits, maybe go to the gym, try to truly follow a program and loose some weight, also social things like make some new cycles here, and the all stars challenge, figure out how the thing with a girlfriend works. Yep! I think I'll becoming to refer to this more and more in this blog, not feeling so ashamed, talk about my thoughts, how strange it is seeing everyone with a girl and wondering how it works, how do they do it, why it feels so scary to me and wonder whether I really want it so much.

I don't even know the future. I don't know how things will go with the new job, whether I will be here for years (so this will be my new long life, so I'd need something more than my old habits). Eitherways I'd like to do something soon, so even if things failed, this is my window of opportunity for a change. I mean,. I could be here for at least 8 months, not knowing if my contract will go on, so in any case I want to think I used these freedom months to change something drastically on me. For this period, I think I will focus on the loosing weight, changing food habits thing. Sounds hard but it's the easiest of all and good for a sort 6 month period. The girlfriend issue feels so hard to me, it could even take long with destructive results and I prefer to make a more healthy change to myself and just enjoy my independence at the moment.

This is it and I might even fail. It is a good bet with myself.

Meanwhile, those are the things in some order I am thinking about.

  • Weight/Food/Gym/Health
  • Making new friends/cycles (even through hobbies/clubs in Glasgow?)
  • Gurlll (might never happen)
  • Could I regain my demoscene creativity? Or some new hobby?
  • Could I spend my creative time in something more commercial, like coding Android stuff? As a backup for a second income?

Most importantly I make a lot of thoughts about myself again. I try to focus on the good stuff. Not good as likeable, but important single points I should focus more. Without falling in the trap of self-pity. Things I should remind myself. Things I don't notice and they could help me understand who I am and stop the self-loathing and just accept who I am. Sounds contradictory when I say that I should accept who I am but at the same time I want to make changes, to specific things that also people who made me sad told me. It has to be like this. It has to be a contradiction. All the real life/get a life concept, things that are considered in and things that are a taboo, does it matter? But I need to make some never seen before changes and yet regain the faith on my personality. It's not that by making these changes, I make these people right. I'd say they were not right because they made me despise these things instead of endorsing them, they made me hateful and they don't really give a fuck, they didn't do it nicely. But then I say I should forget about all that and stop giving a fuck and just do what I am supposed to do. Maybe it will help me to regain my self-esteem and there I will feel more strong and infiltrate and influence people with my weirdness.

I resonate with this recently http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/. There are little thoughts that scare me, insignificant really and I decided to start accepting these and accepting the awkward feeling of myself. And then there is more I understand but make me feel the road is long. If I ever want to make every change anyway, I could just accept some things that change and some not. I don't need to be exactly this. I just need some inspiration.

And I am trying to learn the new things about myself. Trying to understand again what are the things I really want, but new stuff that I don't see and could be important. For example, it's a good recent observation that while I am claiming I don't care about what other people say, this is what I find myself worrying about all the time. Or else I wouldn't even mention it.  I could make many conclusions about this, asking what I really want, or whether I could get some of this and still be myself, or whether it's a faulty emotion as my logic tells me it's insignificant to waste tears for this.

And I think that sometimes I am about to converge into something that explains more correctly my problems, my fears and the solutions to make me feel better or make me act or make me accept or help me correct some things. It's still fuzzy as it always was but I feel there could be convergence soon. Or is this the same as doomsday theories that they never come?

What is the future? I don't think my personality will change much. I don't think I'll forget. But maybe I can gain lost ground so that I improve my self-esteem, so that I believe it's possible to change some of my habits and yet remain myself deeply.
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