Consciousness

Several times I am wondering if there is a primary idea where all my thinking could begin. I mean, if I wanted to erase everything and start from scratch and make a philosophical sense, or maybe an easily practical sense of things, myself, the world, my worries, everything but make it as less complicated as possible, what would be the primary idea to start from, the source of everything. Similarly as scientists search for the beginning of all, or the magic particle where everything begins.

Because sometimes my thoughts become more and more confusing, and I need to erase everything and rebuild. During times my mind passes through several things that I identify that they could serve as the primary idea. And then it doesn't make sense again. This time it's consciousness. And without consciousness I wouldn't even make these convoluted thoughts to begin.

Thoughts build on older thoughts, ideas that can be cultural, so I am born empty but my mind is filled with ideas about what is good or bad, sometimes I oppose or struggle these ideas because other powers are fighting inside me (desires? instincts?). I think the best thing to see it is to look at animals. Your favorite cat or dog or anything. I like to stare at them and imagine how free of all that burden they are. The burden of a higher consciousness. They don't even have a sense of ethics. They might not even have a sense of themselves, self feedback, like knowing that you are the one who is making these thoughts. Basic instincts run mainly.

Think about how much more rich world of a language we have that describes emotions, ethics, abstract ideas, how much more beautifully we perceive things, how alive we feel with our human consciousness. Yet it's also the root of all evil, a pandora's box, with all negative feelings, pain and sorrow. And because we can feel pain more lively, we understand the concept that someone can inflict more pain. Sometimes I watch the news and it makes me very sad that someone would torture or rape another human being in such bad ways, and it makes me ask why? But the answer is in consciousness. An animal would never understand the concept of torture because it just can't realize that it exists and neither have a more lively feeling of pain. And it can't be thrilled by the idea that it could inflict much more pain just for the kicks. Animals do inflict pain when killing prey but as much as necessary for their survival. It is really consciousness that have created such complicated societies, great ideas (and convoluted, non simplistic ones too), makes us really enjoy a more alive existence, but it's the same source that also makes our civilization put too much creativity into how one could inflict as much unimaginable pain as possible. It's a bliss and then it's a curse.

But do we need to go dark here? No. Consciousness is our primary characteristic and we just have to learn to live with it. I am just trying to make an emphasis here about one primary fact that can make lot's of sense about the human condition (and it's the primary thing that differentiates us from animal anyway) and how it breeds all complex ideas, society, good things and evil things. Good and evil are another bunch of ideas after all, understood by human consciousness. Universal laws don't carry ethics. All life on earth could be wiped out by a cosmic event and the universe wouldn't shed a tear. If I erased every existing idea in my mind so that I start rethinking about everything from scratch, one of the primal points would be consciousness this time. Before that, natural laws, and there comes the complexity of life and instincts. Human condition is a combination (or conflict) between the lower instincts (survival makes most sense sometimes) and higher consciousness.

The other thing that bothers me again is that there seem to be different grades of consciousness in humans. Of course I am not sure about that, for I will never be able to investigate and feel another person's consciousness while comparing it with mine. If we could do that it would be a revolution for understanding each other. But just being able to understand myself and see how different I can be affected by things that go easy with other people, and discover other highly sensitive people around I can conclude that there must be something in here. Of course I am not claiming that other people are lacking consciousness as much that they are robots (another impossible thing to investigate, as a philosophical and scary thought it's interesting). All human consciousness seem high enough, whether it's under or oversensitive. There are a lot that I want to discuss but will leave it for another time though. Like, that oversensitivity can make you so overwhelmed with some things that you avoid it, for example socialization, so moderately sensitive people might have the best performance in a social environment (also explains why socialization is casual talking and not more intense passionate talking, something that I make the mistake to fall into frequently, moving from total silence to excessive monologues in an instant). Also music. I realize I like music with so much emotional power, but most of the times I prefer to listen alone or with headphones. I am feeling so overwhelmed to listen my kind of music with other people. Also a reason that in the past I was not into listening music even if I wanted so much. Too overwhelmed, I had those feelings I called "shynesses (plurar)" but it was just emotional overwhelm.

p.s. I find out by this great Vsauce video (also that classic question many of us had, if my yellow is the same as your yellow) that this idea of never knowing how your consciousness feel to me consciousness, never been able to experience things from another person's reality, it's called Qualia. Now, that's quite interesting to get into and see what philosophers had to say about.

My worst enemy

More thoughts are formed or re-formed these days, my lifely marathon to make sense out of me and the world. Some snipsets here and there maybe. Easier reading I hope.

The eternal marathon, since my childhood and later on. The obsessions. Trying to escape from negative thoughts. Thoughts that are put into me. But nobod is there to put them. Rarely it happens, once in a while someone comes to me and argues effectively that something is wrong with me, whether he meaned it or not. And then I carry these beliefs too. But I digress, I react to this, emotionally and then I try to explain myself with logic. Logic is good, the fiasco of the social unwritten rules, which are surprisingly the unwritten laws of the 20st century, psychiatry, self help gurus, obsession with happiness, positivity but through an image that is supposed to be the only way to attend this as if anything deviating from this is a very sad existence.

I am going somewhere. Somewhere more focused, more certain about specific things, not as confused as in the past. But at the same time I realize something else. And it's important that I realize it and I am happy about this. It's an important step. I reacted too much, too obsessively about these things all these years that inside me I am my worst enemy. I speak with logic about how absurd normality is, I obsess about it, I manage to differ a bit, without wishing to be this but because it comes naturally, I am sworn to avoid preaching others and just try to understand them or understand that they differ. Sounds like I am an independent person that differs from the norms (and only at specific points) because he does, speaks his own mind, but what really seems to be and sometimes gets out is a horrible lack of self-esteem.

It is like a universal reversed effect, people see it and really believe that there is something wrong with me, because if there wasn't then I wouldn't obsess, I would continue living my life the way I want it instead without crying out loud! This is like disprooving my case, like I am showing weakness, like I am proving them right. And this last one is another trap. Do I need to prove to someone else that my life is fine the way I chose to live it?

I like some xkcd comics. I like those where the protagonist gets really unpredictable and does an epic win that makes sense too. When someone tries to force his opinion on you and he never get backs what expected and now he is the confused one. Normally you could reply like "Ok, you are right, I am wrong, you win!". The most expected one would be trying to defend yourself "No, I wouldn't jump but this is not the same thing man!". It's like a backup, "well yes, but no". It is logical, going to the gig with your friends is not the same as jumping. But it can still be akward. Tell them a Yes but in a clever way! Tell them what they cannot expect. Reverse psychology for you and a win at the same time? (my answer wasn't an acceptence of defeat, neither a defensive stance, it was telling in their face that yes I am an idiot and I would jump but it would make more sense!)

Sometimes I'd wish I was like that xkcd guy. I'd wish I had a perfect, clever and yet confusing answer to all this mostly internal and external nagging, why I am not "normal", why I don't have a girlfriend, why I am so fat, why I am so emotionally weak, why I get anxious, why I react to all these, why I am such a target for their self-fullfilling prophecy that people like me must suck and the only way is to just be like most of the people. I react, I do it with a feeling of what is unfair, because it's extremely unfair that I've suffered and now they blame me about it, when everything I was listening from them is blame and I didn't have the words to answer to this blame (probably something that puts them back in their place with extreme humor and insanity like the xkcd dude). And it feels unfair that my image is of someone who is extremely obsessive, not the layed back guy (and in my opinion, it's not always fair to think that the laid back guy is right and the angry sorrowful person is wrong, but let this aside for now). It's a shame to give such a negative image and prove them right.

But is this my business? Is it right to spend so much time trying to justify myself to others so that I feel more comfortable about my way of life? The more I am doing this the more I've lost..

It's such an irony that the old saying is true, the worst enemy is you. I feel like I've lost so much time ruminating about all these stupid ideas, feeling that it wasn't me who accept them, I am the one who oppose these ideas, I am the good or the wise guy who understands, who wants to fight this for the better, however this thing was eating me inside. It's still true today, and it doesn't need a justification, I wasn't doing something either right or wrong, there is a meditiation philosophy that your thoughts are not you, and so when I try to focus I realize that several contradicting ideas (from both opposing beliefs) are constantly jumping like they have a life of their own. There is a strange balance that I'd like to accept, at the same way that one wants to be an individual one also wants to be accepted (inspiring blog post here too).

Neither of these states are more right or wrong and even balance is subjective. Some people are really attached to the tireful trial of resembling the norm and they do really succeed in this, while others are either happy with their individuality or there are those poor cases where they are stuck between the two ideas. Like as if someone should only stick to a single one or we were not in a need for little from both sides :P. If I was some random weird guy who didn't give a fuck then I would be like the true individual. And it would either make me feel proud or I wouldn't give a fuck once more. But all that seems to be was that I was crushed from both my need to accept the person I am whatever that is and the blame that somehow I felt I was getting from this world (which was mostly residing in my head, acquired from modern society and less oftenly heared and reinforced by random people's sayings).

Blame doesn't work the same way with everyone. Maybe someone who was not very social or having trouble to fit in would be pushed positively into that direction when people are telling him to change even in a harsh way. Maybe this thing works with some of the individual. But it forces others to stay closed to their shells forever. This is something that all those people who are supposed to "help" do not even take in account. They think that everone is the same mind and reacts the same way. And if their way doesn't work on you then you are just lazy or stupid but they don't try to understand why someone could be lazy or stupid. They just stop there. They put the blame without much thought and let you suffer.

You can be easilly lost in cracked.com. Interesting, hilarious or stupid top-n lists. But once in a while I find a really good article that has to do with some of the above. 4 reasons humans will never understand each other. Three is how we think we put ourselves in other people's shoes but we think erroneously about it. The person who was never too fat or too sensitive or too introverted looks at me and wonders why is it so hard for me. He says "If I was you I would do this and that and the other one". But you are not me! Get in my own situation totally, which means take my brain with my psychology, my personality, my past trauma, my WHOLE me. It's absurd that I would look at the blind and claim that if I was he I could see! The rest of the four points are also inspiring. Someone is bad, is lame, is lazy, is stupid but we don't want to know why. One assumes that if the problematic person doesn't think and react like him then he is wrong.

Theory of (different) mind(s) anyone?

An improved perception of how each one is a unique individual that can't be handled the same way as each other of us, that one has to be understood from his own point of view, that we got the so called theory of mind totally wrong, should evolve into a new universal law in the similar way that people say "Carpe Diem" (or the absurd Yolo today :P) or "Pan Metron Ariston" (translated in something like: be balanced). Those last phrases have become cliche and they were actually used against me to imply that I am living my life very wrongly and will be a very sad person after 20 years. And you can imagine the negative effects. Besides the sorrow, I hate them like the plague, while most people feel like they are very wise by reciting them. If they were wise they would understand the obvious, the one of the few things I write above and I'd wish it would be a universal  law that people would learn to understand (more than blindly reciting it). Do we need to evolve telepathic powers to understand each individual uniquely? Or simply understand that they can't be thinking and feeling exactly the same as us and that's not more wrong than our thoughts and feelings, Can't we accept, understand and teach this simple truth even if we can never implant our brains into theirs to really get a grip?

People with similar sorrows, similar thoughts as mine, sensitive persons, open-minded people, with less arrogance and more hurt self-esteem. Look at the world around you, look again and see that you can't just be always wrong and everyone always right about you. Observe how arrogant this world is and what the reality is. Don't you see how self-asserted and without doubt most are? How certain they are that their world is everyone's world? Observe! And feel content with your more thoughtful and understanding personality. I have a hope. We could teach others. The world could learn.

p.s. I was reading one book called the power of negative thinking or something like that (though right now I find more books with similar titles in amazon and I can't find, oh wait.. it's called The Antidote. Happiness for people who can't stand positive thinking. It sounds counter intuitive, but it's not just going out and cry all day. It's more about an emotional stability of being neither sad or extremely happy, a strong arguments towards all the flood of overpositive thinking, self-help gurus and such extremety that based on the law of reversed effect brings the exact opposite results that it claims trying to do. This is very similar to the effect with the excessive idea of "You could be normal, it would be great, you'd be succesful like the rest, why are you so bad at this?" that is supposed to show you the "right" way but all it does is being so intimidating that it fails to motivate you and makes you more frightened instead (at least for some of us, this might work to some but not many others, remember how each one of us differs). The book goes through some interesting history of counter-happiness cultures, like the Stoic philosophers, the classic Budhists (I really learn here, that what has arrived as New Age in the western world is way much different and shallow than the old teachings :P), Memento Mori and more. Most insightful read since a very long time and it doesn't even claim to give you the answer. It's food for thought and some parts of it are coming together with several of my evolved thoughts and I think they could help me to wisely come in terms with myself and several of the things I was arguing about in this blog. Of course, I have more to learn and I won't stop in this one..

Socialization as pure fun

I think we got it all wrong. Rules for socialization. Blame. Standards for how one should be or not. Ideas stuck in my mind. How can I enjoy something when everyone tells you that you should be doing as an obligation to yourself, you are not granted the choice to avoid it (you can, but then they suggest something is wrong with you) and that you also have to follow specific rules. How would then I like to do that activity and improve when all the negativity about it and how I handle it or how I avoid it makes me to not even want to think about it?

Recently (and always in my rare good moments and better as the years have passed and learned to care less) I am more relaxed with this. Talking to people and not talking. Yes, not talking too. Just being there and being a listener or not being there but residing in my own universe. One would say that maybe I don't like it, but the fact is that I don't hate it either. I don't hate it when the social anxiety goes away. I can actually be neutral with it. When fear is not there, I can be at worse neutral about socialization. Not getting to wild about it but not hating it either.

I remember for example some other neutral activities which doesn't inspire me but I can do them to pass the time with my friends. Some might tire me to death (like visiting too crowded places with very loud music and full of smoke), some others are more relaxing (going to a cafeteria that is less noisy where we can actually talk) and it also depends on the people. I said socialization can be neutral, but it can be more when I am spending my time with more close friends and people that I know and can discuss more interesting subjects or personal stuff. Actually, my optimism of at least a neutral feeling is about the other cases of visiting parties and places with people you don't know, talking to girls you can't connect, etc. So, I am talking about a fun strategy that works even in the harder for me cases. I am already social enough with my preferred cases anyway.

And I wouldn't care even. My strategy is an alternative path that fits better with my psychology. One that everyone would say is the right thing because it sounds good, but this is not what I am taking from discussion. Nobody told me to just have a time, one quote that an old friend from Erasmus told me once and it's still relevant today. To have a time, to exclude "good" from the equation. Try to visit some social activity and don't care whether you "failed" or not (it's subjective also). And even if you failed to visit it, do not care either. Yes, it's like eliminating ethics, eliminating good or bad, normal or not, healthy or not, successful or not. To exaggerate it, even if you totally failed and stayed all day in your bed like a seriously depressive person, you should calm down your negative emotions and say that's fine, another day passed.

Now you will disagree, you will say that yes we should be our selves, we should feel free and fearless about these stuff, we should not take them seriously BUT you should do stuff, you should wake up and act, don't let it go either. As a safety valve. Yes be free, BUT obligations, rules,. not true choice of the extremes. Because we want to have the most free spirit BUT we feel obliged to rule the exceptions.

I think the most wonderful feeling of freedom is to be able to say the most radical things without fear. I can be whatever I want no matter how insane. I don't need ethics. I don't need excuses. I beg for my inner emotional freedom to live without a second thought.

It's quite hard to say that. Because you can very easily be misjudged. Living without ethics would sound like you are a bad person, you could do harm to people and find the perfect excuses for that. But we are not talking about real harm, we are talking about socialization. I just need to be free and without ethics, without thinking I failed or I didn't do it the proper way in things that are supposed to be fun. I am not talking about real life ethics. How can you add exceptions and rules in things that are supposed to be fun? What's more natural and fun than socialization? Relationships? Why are we scared to approach a girl and work through it when it's supposed to be a pleasurable experience? What is wrong with us?

Someone would say that he socializes with rules and obligations and it's all getting well. Maybe they can live with rules and then contradict themselves by feeling free and making the mistakes while they suggest other things. Maybe the problem is us. The more sensitive people, the people who take it more seriously. Who feel obliged by rules and take failure negatively. But if it is this, then we should be handled with a different psychological strategy. And because we don't expect from the rest to react in our preferred way, we should teach ourselves to care less, to see the fun stuff as stuff of no rules, no obligations, either you do it correctly or awkwardly it's fine, either you are talkative or just sitting in a corner and talking to no one you should feel fine, either you come to the party or stay at home, fine. It doesn't even matter if you start talking about your special interests than doing casual talk in my opinions. And if they find you boring and move away that's fine. In fact that's a myth. They might like that you actually discussed something that is truly you. How do you know that universally, the next person near you felt the same as you, that they didn't like your crazy babbling?

I know how it works and this is my best way to fight this. No matter if I could express well what I feel, it seems to be working now. As a philosophy I think it's better for things that are supposed to be fun. People would misjudge this as unethical but what I am suggesting is a mind free of all the emotional distress some of us encounter with socialization. Just have a time! (needs time to truly learn)

p.s. The next step is having a good time with the other sex. That's a hard thing for me. But so far, fear of socialization played a role in this too, magnified by the fact that she is not a friend but you think her of something more. Last time I could talk a lot with many girls around even if with the aid of booze. But I felt with this philosophy that it's possible. Problem, this is only the first step. Then she stops being friend and things get more intimate. Though, these things should be natural, they should be fun. The idea that "you are xx age and it's a shame you don't have a girlfriend" is something I would erase now. These things are not obligations. These things are natural activities that we should enjoy! Having a girlfriend means living with her and that's stronger than friendship, so how would it be if you were oppressed into this even if it only makes you scared?

Random resolutions and retrospections

Well, it could be yesterday, 2 days ago or 3 days ahead, we could be all wrong with the keep of time and when they ask me about resolutions and I don't know I say 1080p.

And then I also do retrospections, which is to remember what I did back in 2012. Or what did I wished for in the end of 2011. Oh, I've wished I'd find a regular job. I didn't. At least we are working on a contract based project. And then the search again.

I did got some money from this one so far. I bought some good stuff lately, finally I can move on and buy stuff and plan stuff a bit after so many months of nothingness. But are money the happiness? They do give some happiness and safety that's for sure. Anyway, I bought a new android tablet, Google Nexus 7. An SD Floppy emulator for my 8bit/16bit computers. A DStwo card for my NDS. I am still waiting for my Raspberry Pi. I finally bought Grimrock from GOG. I could do some shopping again because we started that job and I got a small amount for a start. It's a growing trend in the end of 2012, so I think 2013 will be better in that aspect, but maybe a more steady job too? Or I am going berserk with rejections and try my luck building my own Android apps and see how this works. I will do anyway. One of my coding resolutions.

Oh, retrospections. I feel like making small comebacks in the demoscene. There was this sadness after 2008 maybe where I wasn't feeling like demomaking. I was declining and I was fed up. But then I said it's a good hobby and you can't just quit. Just make it fucking worth it! I think I did and I am in a good road. 2009-2010 I had my master in UK, so besides keeping a distance from demomaking during these years (though if I search, I still did few stuff, but crappy stuff) I had to focus on other stuff like the studies and an attempt to find a job outside (which didn't go well unfortunately). And then I came back a bit, especially on the CPC, with demos like Chunky Chan, Wolfenstrad and my 4k Clouds with virgins in the Skies. And a lot of tiny intros of smaller sizes for cpc, speccy, c64 and dos as I see. Lot's of small stuff just to get used to it. Meanwhile I managed to keep my psychology up, release smaller or medium stuff without caring about what people say, I didn't try to do my best thing ever, I just tried to take part in the competitions of some parties, provide for the scene, be active again and still keep being content about it. I see a growing trend here.

Although I still would like to stop chasing deadlines with demos and if I do more to take my time. And maybe concentrate on something else than demos like making a game with my wolfenstein engine on CPC. Time will tell. Still, for 2013 I promised to participate in a megademo for the 30 years of CPC with my own part and I haven't started yet. Another plan is to visit a foreign demoparty again, most probably Forever 8bit party, but if not then Revision. And when I visit parties I have this wish to participate in one of the compos. So, another demo or intro deadline? Everything ends in the middle of 2013 though. Or not.

I would like to try something else now. To work on a demo but slowly slowly far before the deadline. To take my time. Build new parts every day, improving old parts, without the stress that there are few times left. Oh,. I did also came back to GP2X coding with my Tyropite little demo, just a scrolltro with my new 3d software rasterizer. Had big plans but started coding the actual demopartys the last two days. I really want to try working slowly for something like 3-6 months. I doubt it will happen but this is my plan for my next GP2X demo.

And then there are many other small things, like my wish to get into Android coding and try my luck in the market. Everybody is begging me to start but it won't be that easy to have gains I believe. But I should try and see how it goes. I should say that I at least tried it..

Another demo wish, take my time, learn to make my own tracker music. Kinda hard start for someone who wasn't into this and what do I expect, to make fitting music for my future demos? I want to try and improve slowly. I would like to express some of my feelings through music. I think..

Are all my retrospections and resolutions about demos? No,. I just have a lot to write about that. Not much are left from regular life. A job perhaps. A girlfriend? What a joke!

Oh,. new hobbies? I actually started a new hobby this year and that is astronomy. I spent time with binoculars observing and I realized how relaxing that was, me alone looking at the sky, with the sounds of the night. Then I got the biggest present from my brothers, a reflector telescope. But this one, hmm.. too much time to setup, too much to learn about how to use it, I barely managed to see some stuff and I need more time for this. But it was cool! Coolest thing is that I also search in Stellarium or Wikipedia or other sources for the stuff that I've observed. The sightings are not as impressive as one would expect, but the things that you learn are interesting. The different way you see the skies. The mindblowing feeling of looking at something that is so far. The moons of Jupiter. The Orion Nebula. Andromeda Galaxy. Some are visible with binoculars, others with telescope. Some might be visible with naked eye without the city light pollution they say. Wow! I am just enthusiastic on the idea and so I wasn't disappointed.

Very lately the past year, I had some good social experiences (maybe with a bit of booze but not always) and kept a mentality that help me enjoy the social more and abolish fear. I might had periods of such good insights even years ago and rarely, but you have to live and relive the good concepts to finally learn to think in  a more healthy way. The ideas are simple, but one shouldn't expect people won't have problems adopting to them. Simply, I was in a meeting and realized that I should try to balance my emotions about "don't know what to talk". About feeling inferior when people around you are more social, or they know each other more, or you don't know what to say. Control your emotions, decrease negativity in many different paths. Am I talking? No? Then don't care. Don't think you are bad. Enjoy sitting there and be a listener. Do I care about what to say? Say something. Say something stupid. It's better than not say anything. But if you don't manage, don't be sad. You try to talk and then she leaves? Akward? Move to the next person. Don't want to talk to girls? Afraid? Go talk to guys. Talk about casual boring shit. Or talk about demos and tech stuff. Or UFOs. Or,... it doesn't matter!!! When it matters then negative emotions get stronger. Forget it. Talk, don't talk, talk boring stuff, talk your stuff, jump from a person to another, try to have fun. If you fail in all, still don't become bitter. Go eat stuff at the party and get a drink. Go home. But never never never get sorrow. Because that's what I did. Cheat. Succumb your emotions. Say it's all a bad joke. Fuck that shit!!!

Confusing, balancing either sides of emotions, but this is one great thing I learned near the end of this year for social situations. Also, don't think you are there just to get a girlfriend (this is a next step for me and it won't happen). Don't destroy your night with this thought "Ok,. I am perfectly social, so what? I am still not getting any!". I almost did it. I was sad for 1-2 days. No! At least you had fun.

There are more to say about stuff that I remember from 2012, things I've improved on and things I didn't do and what I want to do in 2013 and the things I don't even know I will do. But I will stop here. My improvement on my demoscene feelings and activity was a good positive curve. My attempts at personal evolution and recent thoughts on social fears is a good way to go. I don't know if these will evolve or if I will succumb again into nothingness. My job hunting fails, at least I have a part time project now.

p.s. Comic from XKCD. This is exactly how I felt recently. Without This Year's gonna be different though. Pessimistic and sometimes not..

Introversion and special interests

For about an hour and a half I was writing tons of thoughts in my private iDoneThis personal calendar. I would like to write a summary of some of these thoughts as brief as possible and that could prove hard.

I got my inspiration from an incident today. I was out with some of my geeky friends and a girl who was into our geeky world sometimes but usually gets bored with our discussions. You could think if you have met us for the very first time that we are extremely talkative and that she is the introvert. But thinking about her, in several other occasions she is always the one who stars conversation with the next random person she just met and she seems to be more interested about meeting and talking to people than talk excessively about special interests. She is actually quite the extrovert with the more proper definition of the term if you think about it.

It also happens that we don't look introvert because we are a small group of geeky people with very similar interests and we know each other and know that we can freely talk about these subjects. If I was in a party with lot's of people and my friends where there and we didn't know each other, maybe I would not get the opportunity to talk to them about my special interests if I decided to hide these because most probably nobody would be interested to listen to these things at the party place. And those people too, would avoid to talk about these and maybe prefer to do small talk, because everyone is expected to respond and connect more easily with everyday matters and little stuff. Then we would possibly look introverted. Introverted in an extroverted world, but what if suddenly the party is occupied mostly by geeks that know each other well and only very few people who don't know why the heck they visited this party in the first place? Then we would actually be extroverts among very few introverts.

So, if our niche interests are not easily found in the majority of people in society and that makes it hard for us to connect with new people, would it ever be possible for that to change in our favor? I think not, because the thing that connects people is the most common denominator and that is casual talk about everyday life, things you see in TV and everyone is familiar with and that stuff. It's not technicalities, it's not the detail, not a hobby for fewer, more intelligent or weird people. And this even works in a vicious circle. If more people connect through common subjects, more people who are interested in connecting with an even higher number of people would continue spreading these subjects and more people would become familiarized with what everyone talks about and the cycle will go on. It reminds me of how common opinions are spreading, memes gaining weight endlessly.

So, the question is, why don't we also learn to start talking about common everyday things so that we connect this way to more people? And this is where the answer lies, one important dichotomy of different cognitive styles. When we start conversations we do it for the sake of transferring our ideas, discussing our special interests with someone else who understands and shares the same passion. Most people talk just for the sake of talking, in order to connect to even more people, without being specially interested in the details of what they are talking about. We don't particularly like talking about things just to talk about anything.

So if our obsession with ideas and interests that fascinate us doesn't help us connect with many people, while common everyday subjects helps more people to get together, it's bound that at the end 90% of social situations would be filled with more of the casual discussions and that would gradually form a social "reality" where most people's image would be the norm and niche interests would be stereotypically connected to introversion and abnormality. It works like a magnet where the majority attracts the most common denominator of frequently discussed subjects and also like a self evolving organism where it ends up to create the image of what came to be considered social or not.

This is one basic cognitive dichotomy I find very important about different temperaments. It's a quite different way we prefer to think and interact with people, whether we are truly interested about ideas or just want to connect with more people. Besides that, I am still feeling like being quite close but not exactly touching the whole connection of it with introversion either the stereotypical one or as it's defined by Susan and other psychologists. I mean, I am still trying to connect the whole puzzle here but the whole feeling of a certain answer slips away from me. In a world where more supposedly extroverted people make more casual conversations, this social mode doesn't exactly favor us and so we don't usually take part in the process and look like introverts in the eyes of most people. In terms of the later definition, there is this vague reference to losing energy while socializing and gaining while being alone and lost in our thoughts or hobbies. It's vague because I don't feel exactly like loosing/gaining some sort of physical energy in any way. But maybe it's just a context for being "energized", being passionate when revolving around our personal thoughts and special interests alone or with few friends sharing similar passions but being bored (not "energized" or demotivated) at the same time in most social situations where connections matter and you can't have a more thorough or interesting discussion.

Either way, we always fall as introverts in a majority that favors the extrovert style of socialization because that attracts most people and thus perpetuates the situation in a vicious circle. Now the strange thing is, Susan in her book Quiet suggests that according to statistics at least 1/3 (to maybe half!) of the population consists of introverts and what explains that we never see them is the fact that most have learned to play the role of the extrovert person because it's considered better to look like one. I would be quite surprised actually if something like 90% of that 1/3 would all really be the thinker person, passionate about ideas and special interests and dispassionate about forming too many people connections, yet they all hide under this pressure. Although I do believe that we live in a prison that we have created for ourselves, that we can be such schizophrenics, that the true revolution would be if each one of us would try to be a little bit more of his true self and less of the expected social image. But one third? I hope so really. Imagine the size of the prison we have build for ourselves if this is true though. The hypocrisy! A whole society, a whole world, living in self denial.

I have my doubts for this one and yet my hopes that it's true. Time will tell. And I hope for a revolution in the way we perceive the whole human condition concerning this issue. Time will tell.

Introversion - Extraversion

I became quite happy when I've recently discovered Susan Cain's talk on the power of introversion and later found about her book and her mission to change the way we see introverts. I have still a long road to go in order to finish reading the book but am already overwhelmed or inspired by her emotional charisma in her public appearance and her wish to make a difference. She could be my muse.

Because of that incentive, I started thinking about the differences and definitions of introversion and extraversion again. I remember years ago when I had taken the Myers-Briggs test and it always flags me as an INFP no matter if I try it again after months or years. It's not that I don't like the result, I am just checking whether something is changing in my personality as I evolve (Did I gradually became more extroverted? Or maybe more of a thinker than feeler?). It still shows me as an INFP (I would update with the information that some other tests I took today showed a bit of INTP finally, I will come back to my thoughts about this soon).

Yet I was a little confused with some definitions about introversion/extroversion and how people perceive them. The primary definition that confused me is this: Extroverts tend to gain energy from big social events while introverts energy is drained at the same situations. Introverts prefer solitude in order to recharge their lost energy. This is being discussed in many forums and I think I have heard Susan describe it like this too.

And that makes me wonder because while I recognize myself truly as an introvert (and I will explain below why), I don't really remember that part on myself of actually loosing energy during big social events. All I do in a party or bar is sitting there silently, lost in my world of thoughts and hardly ever trying to do small talk or something. If someone turns into my position and starts chatting with me then I can gladly response if it is a question I can easily respond to or something interesting to talk. But at worse I can end up being bored, lost in my world, filtering the blabber and shamely wonder why everyone looks so alive while I am so off.

Wait. So alive, so energized! I think that the term of "energy" in the older Jungian definition of introversion/extroversion doesn't refer to a physical energy (like getting tired) but what Jung calls a "psychic" energy (still a confusing term, people who are into paranormal could start the wishful thinking right now about things I can't even know if they do exist) meaning the fuel that motivates you, the spurr that keeps you alive, what makes you ecstatic. It still might not be clear the way I am describing it, but I've already written about it and my introvert preference here. It's all about what I find engaging in life that fits the introvert style and how I don't enjoy the casual socialization which is more of the extrovert style (as an exception I can enjoy being together with few close friends, with whom I discuss personal matters or special interests as I explain in the old article, and this is something possible with most introverts as I read).

I think the term energized or prefer to spend energy to either social outgoing activities or inner thoughts and creative solitude activities was used in the past as an indicator of what is your driving force, during which activities you are most alive or continue spending time without feeling tired. It doesn't necessary mean that an introvert would necessary get tired in the social activities, rather than he would spent endless hours with his solitude activities without feeling tired because he finds it engaging, while the social activity would just be boring and feel like a waste of time/energy.

Though, there are some accounts of people who for example actually feel energy drained after an hour of being around lot's of people talking to each other non stop. Some say it's a mental kind of stress but there are other accounts of also physical stress caused by the hypersensitivity to stimuli like light or sounds which are usually are more abundant in a bar or party full of chatter and music. Yes, there are such people who have to bear with another layer of struggle during socialization, yet I don't think the attribute of introversion should be attributed to only the persons who really suffer (not just get bored) during social situations. Or how would you call a person who really enjoys to spend a lot of time with excessive social activities, yet he suffers from sensory overloading making these activities a total energy drain? Would his love for socialization overcome the energy drain so that he would keep doing it regardless the wearyness or not?.

The way I understand it is not whether physical stimuli allow you or not to take part in social situations (even though this could play a role too) but which preference keeps your brain alive and running. Though, I would say even professionals tend to have different theories, for example in the wikipedia article, Eysenck's theory finds some brain chemistry correlations that differs between introverts and extroverts in the sense that the second are seeking for a way to highten their arousal level (with ongoing social stimulation) while the introverts tend to avoid social situations in an effort to keep such arousal at a minimum level. So, this definition still doesn't entirely describe me. I am neither aroused nor tired by social situations, yet my mind is aroused by inner thoughts or deep discussions with close friends. I sometimes find myself talking to myself about stuff that matters, interesting ideas, dreams about creative hobbies, so intensively that I would say I spend a lot of energy yet I keep going tirelessly. Social: minimal arousal or tiredenss, Mental: high arousal. In casual talking I tend to just listen or fuse away, till someone start a subject that is interesting, leading me to suddenly start talking endlessly with great passion, till I understand I look weird (from zero activity to uberactivity).

I would describe myself as a primarily introvert who is also shy (shy does not equal introversion necessarily I hear), if the definition of shyness is similar to social anxiety, like actually worrying about other people think if you are not participating or something. I mean, I have this preference for being engaged in ideas and meaningful discussions while I am just indifferent to casual talk while I have easily negative emotions about how I don't fit in social situations when everybody around me seems active while I am not. I think that's how I would describe. Personally my emotional sensitivity is my worst enemy in the whole introvert/extrovert affair because I always felt bad about other people being social and me not fitting in, I was always feeling bad about normality and making excuses, and still couldn't just accept that I am different and that's not bad. I think this is obvious in most of my writings in this blog.

And this is why I like Susan's mission. It is because her vision makes me think more positively about myself, it makes me accept who I am regardless if I fit in the one or the other box, the most important is not what the definition of introverted or extroverted is, but the fact that one person took strong action to educate us about a view that doesn't favor one group over another, and it's not only educating society but all introverts who blatantly hold the view that there must be something wrong with them, even if it didn't make sense. That's how hard it is for some of us, spending all that energy trying to pass as extroverts or alternatively find the best excuses for not being like the rest if there was something wrong in the first place. I look back to all my struggle, my angst ridden texts, my arguments with my family or other people about all these stuff and wonder one thing: "How different could things be for me if I've read this book or watched this inspiring talk (and few similar recent books and articles as I discover) 10 or 20 years ago. Years not wasted in self pity and loss of self-esteem..

I feel lucky about the new generations that have better access to these ideas and possibly won't struggle as much as I did. I am sharing a similar vision with Susan, really hoping that not only will our societies start understanding introverts but more people will learn to accept some of the differences of people no matter how weird or away from the norm. I think the idea of being "normal" or not fitting, our obsession with defining how one should or not should be is getting more and more ridiculous the more I think about it. Another thing that helps is the internet. I think the new generation is very lucky for having this tool. I just need to search for every weird habit or flaw on me I worried about in the past to discover that lot's of people have these or other weird habits, many of them hide it or have different opinions about them, so in a sense every single one of us has some of the most weird characteristics, yet we don't usually share them with others and pass on the day like everyone of is "normal" or something. You wouldn't even easily know that other people feel similarly to you without the internet. We tend to disclose more while online and less in most casual social situations.

I have said it before, the best revolution one can do in this aspect, abolishing this faulty idea of normality, is to patiently learn accepting him/herself and maybe hide one fact less over time. The world could be easily consisting of 99% of weirdos, each one of them hiding it from the other in order for all to seem "normal". We could get a little more weird by time, a little more our true selves and so change our own flawed perception and escape the prison we actually build for ourselves! It sounds insane but I do strongly believe it.

p.s. So long I had my first aha moment in Susan's book in that part where I read that the preference for extroversion is a cultural thing and it wasn't prevalent during older times. I always had this faulty idea that extroverts is the ideal even in ancient times and different cultures, since those are the dominating types. But it's not! As I read, once before the 20s in America, the self-help books praised character over personality. There are even countries and cultures which prefer the more reserved type. This reminds me of a documentary (century of the self) I had once watched describing how Freud and his daughter brought up the ideas in our culture that in my view evolved into this "being deviant, need to be fixed" model that haunts our minds.

Random Stuff 2

Long time since I've last written in this blog. I don't  know what to write anymore. Or, I do have some ideas but then I never start. I think about this blog sometimes and what I've written in the past. Maybe I was too open. But I don't think I will be erasing anything. The fact is when I write a new post it's all about things I've revisited, like how normality sucks, how socialization is a fiasco, and stuff you have probably being bored to hear again. I would still write such stuff though, although I would like to see things from a new perspective. I don't want to look like a grumpy old man making the same old rants. But I do believe on most things I have explained in the past, it's just that things are like they are, ok society is like this, most people are like that and I differ, normality is a lie, but what to do next? I have things in mind but then again I have things in my personal life to fix too, so I forget about the normality cool aid for a while..

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So, the things in my mind during this period is my struggle to find a job, my struggle with interviews that lead to nowhere and my search whether I am making a mistake since I see people around me who know their stuff less getting jobs after few tries and me struggling for more than a year. I had some interesting thoughts about it lately that I would like to write down. Basically it's my lack of self-esteem that maybe makes me look not confident enough during the interviews (and most of them are over the phone which complicates things further). It's an important fact. Of course it's easy to say and hard to look confident in an interview. 

One would also wonder, so why is it more important for a job to look confident than knowing your stuff? Someone would say that if you are more confident then it means that you are more social, so you will not create problems to the employees. I think that's bullshit because as a person I may be shy but I am not arrogant. Asocial does not mean antisocial. I have friends who will look both knowing their stuff and overconfident about that in a job interview, yet they would argue with the very first chance that their method of work is the only right one in the world. I know they would get much more easily jobs than me but they could be a pain in the ass in a job.

You know what I think? I am not alone. Most of the participants in an interview wouldn't be far away than my case. Only in few interviews I am less talkative that I should and more recently I am just average in confidence. Not shy and struggling with talk, not overconfident, just the average guy. Like most of the people who took the interview. So, when the interviewer has seen 20 persons and 18 of them are average, the two overconfident guys will win. As an interviewer you can't make your mind when nobody stands out from the crowd. What about my portfolio though? Very few people code for hobby. Doesn't seem to matter. Maybe other people put stuff on their CVs (their university final project, some work they done) and it seems as important as mine even if they might not code for hobby. At the end, everyone can manage to fill a CV with any stuff one can find so that it makes it harder for anyone who knows their stuff to stand out from the crowd. And what is left? Seeming overconfident. And another thing someone told me and I had in mind recently too, do not look needy. Do not look like you definitely have to get the job. The mentality should be "I don't need you! I don't need this job desperately. I have just passed by to see what you are working on and if it interests me. I couldn't care less whether I take the job!". Maybe not tell them, but feel like this, live this role. Kinda hard, but kinda better for my nerves too if it also makes me stop thinking about failing with the interview.

That's it. Interviews are a fiasco. You just have to make them believe that you know your stuff no matter what. They need a good reason to select you out of the crowd, you just have to look unique.

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What else? There are lot's of stuff I want to write in my other blogs. I have a long time to update Plasma fun and there things I can write about new games I am currently playing, demos and stuff, things I could be writing but I was bored to but remember every time I play these games. Computer Hermit is fine and I write opinions some times but there is more I would like to write. And then I did something else, I resurrected Almost Skeptic, that old blog about paranormal and UFOs. I had some posts in here which I've transferred again. Why I did that? I don't know, maybe because I am more interested to write about these stuff again (although I haven't done this yet) and there are already too many posts in here, and this blog is dead right now and the thematology is different. There are a lot of things happening in my life right now and I don't know when I'll start with a post. But I am pleased already with the 5-7 posts I have in there from the past, not as long and incomprehensible as the ones in here..